Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Goldfish syndrome





Don't recall when or where I first came across the concept, but the core of the thing is that for the tiny-brained goldfish, every time it swims around the inside of its bowl it discovers an entirely new world.

Most days I wonder if I'm any smarter or more advanced than a goldfish.

I do know that I have a bad habit of convincing myself that I fully understand situations and solutions. Almost every single time I eventually find that I understood neither situation nor solution. I often get close, but little yet incredibly important details get missed or overlooked and adversely affect the solutions I try to implement. It can be a problem.

Fortunately for me nature and reality are excellent and infinitely patient instructors. If I do my part, however imperfectly, I have an ongoing stream of opportunities to learn and grow. Seems like learning and growing are an important part of livin'.

##########

This morning is a struggle. For a couple of weeks my nights have featured a form of "sleep" which I've never experienced before. The last two nights I had something more akin to sleep, and I was certainly not conscious, but again it was something different. There was more unconscious time, which was almost certainly restorative, but this morning in particular it's a hard struggle to do even the simplest thing. I feel wrung out and exhausted and I'm not enjoying that. Irritable also, and I detest that feeling.

It is what it is, and I understand intellectually and even spiritually that it's all part of a process. In that sense it's okay, but it's still a struggle.

##########

Yesterday morning was a beautiful morning.


It was a beautiful morning in town, complete with a red sun in a smoley sky.


It was a beautiful morning out in nature, out on the ranch.


I often try to express the beauty of the days here in this part of the world and sometimes I feel I'm being a bit tedious with that, constantly yabbering on about how beautiful things are.


I think there are several things going on inside me when I'm bubbling over with comments about the beauty I see and feel.

First and perhaps most obvious, this place does have inherent natural beauty. It's a complex grassland/prairie ecosystem and that's a beautiful thing in and of itself. It also exists in a particular geographical location across which weather and atmosphere are constantly moving, therefore the observable face of this shortgrass prairie site is ever changing. For the casual observer it might often look the same from day to day, but to the daily visitor it never looks the same. That feels beautiful to me also.

Less obvious, perhaps, is the beauty that fills my mind and heart and soul when I am present in that place. It's a special experience for me. I go there every day and have done so countless times over the long/short decades, across time and seasons. I've grown to feel the flow of seasons and years and they have become part of me. Ot I've become part of it.

Being a part of the ecosystem, along with the cattle and my labor/operations/management, lends a fullness and roundness to my life which is a huge blessing and for which I am ever grateful.



Yesterday I also got a great deal of physical labor type work done. I harvested steel posts and then I bent my efforts to repairing/maintaining fence. It was good work and I got a lot done so it was a very good day from that perspective.

In harvesting posts, and I think I've touched on this before, what I actually do is remove posts from still standing but disused and unneeded internal ranch fence lines.



In a way those fence lines are a form of storage for wood posts, steel posts, and even barbed wire. The fence lines probably appear to be untidy and improper, and in some ways they are. Yet in our "one-man-band" low input cost of operations, cleaning them up would represent time and effort we cannot afford to expend. At least not right now. And surprisingly, they do provide very good storage. In place they don't take up space elsewhere, they are pretty much out of the way, and nature does not tread too heavily on them. One downside is that when I want to use any of those materials, I have to go out and spend the time and energy to gather them. It's not a complete downside though because that time and energy contribute directly to my overall wellbeing. I get to spend productive time outside, walking in nature's beauty, and the labor is all exercise. So harvesting posts gives me a fitness boost, and emotional boost, a mental boost, and a spiritual boost. It's a win-win, even when (especially when) unanticipated challenges arise.



As far as yesterday's physical labor went, I worked very, very hard. It was hot and the air was filled with smoke. There was barely a touch of breeze. I got overheated and dehydrated, and as I've been paying scant (read zero) attention to proper diet of late I reached a profound state of exhaustion. It was a good thing in a way, but also vexing. I wanted to do more, and I demand more of myself than I can possibly give, so I was a bit cross at my physical weakness. I was also cross at myself for not attending better to my own physical needs. I'm flailing and that's a fact, but it's also part of the process. While I am making dumb mistakes -- and will continue to do so for the rest of my days -- I do also learn from my mistakes. Not always well, but over time I'm trending in the right direction.

At any rate, here's a bit of incoherent stream of consciousness springing directly from the low ebb of my physical/mental/emotional state. I hope it's not too awful to watch, but if it is, just click it off. I won't mind. If you soldier through, perhaps in some way it might even be helpful to someone, somewhere, sometime. That would be nice.



##########

This morning, while I was stewing in my irritation and lethargy and deeply mired in feeling sorry for myself, God threw a beautiful miracle at me. As he always does. That I can see and appreciate such things is perhaps a sign of growth, perhaps a sign that someday I might even become a big kid.



Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.






14 comments:

  1. Life itself is a process, isn't it?

    I enjoy your love for where you live and what you do. It's about living.

    Pretty important in this day and age.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It certainly is a process Sarge. Thanks. I enjoy it too and the living bit is important.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
  2. Learning and growing is living (DAMHIK).
    Sometimes we just need the reminder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes it is, Skip, yes it is. The reminders seem to appear when we need them.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
    2. As for the smoke, It's August, we get smoke. Pretty sunrises and sunsets too. It all balances nicely and no one is to blame.

      Delete
  3. I am still here. Still thinking of you and the children and praying for all of you. You said something about being there on the older child's arrival from school with news of the day. My wife insisted on being there every day for our children in their younger years. You get the true picture of their day (good or bad) that they want to share with a loved one. We often pick up our youngest grandchildren from school when we are in their hometown. Same thing and wonderful when you get to experience it. Take care of yourself and keep on livin'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Mark. Your thoughts and prayers are felt and felt to great effect.

      Their news is important news. They're kids, yes, but they're each a full up round human being too. They need to know and feel and understand that. I can't fix what we all desperately want to be fixed, but I can love them and demonstrate my love in words and deeds. I got no more important mission in life.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
  4. A plaque I hung outside my apartment door I see each time I lock the door reads, "Don't count the days, make the days count". Finding beauty as we move through the day helps to make the day count.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great message WSF. The reward value always seems so much greater than the effort required to attain it. Funny how that works.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
  5. Nature question, when you have time. "Short grass prairie" is what you have. Not sure if it is short because your cows keep it neatly trimmed, or the vegetation/moisture doesn't let it grow taller.
    Over on the Pacific coast where they get lots of rain, and therefore lots of vegetation-grasses and trees- they get lots of wildfires. Get into timber country and they get them too, lots from lightning, too many from stupid ape lizards. I don't recall hearing about many many prairie fires in NE/CO/KS, although they were a fearsome factor in pioneer times, and subject of several dramatic paintings. All part of nature's surprises, I guess. So, do you get many fires in your region?

    Great to see the kids with books. Reading is one of the fundamental skills for success in life. If they get beyond the mere literacy level and progress to a love of reading they will be even more successful.

    Stay healthy, y'all.
    John Blackshoe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great nature question John. I'll try to touch on that in the next post.

      Kids love their books and reading. They're very bright and figuring out how to put some of the sound-symbol-object-idea concepts together. It's a fun and rewarding slice of livin'.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
  6. Shaun,
    I'm not a doctor, nor have I played one on TV. So take what I'm saying with a giant dose of salt.

    "There was more unconscious time, which was almost certainly restorative, but this morning in particular it's a hard struggle to do even the simplest thing. I feel wrung out and exhausted and I'm not enjoying that. Irritable also, and I detest that feeling.

    It is what it is, and I understand intellectually and even spiritually that it's all part of a process. In that sense it's okay, but it's still a struggle."

    At one time, I could have written those same words.

    When I retired from the AF and hadn't found a job yet, I felt exactly that way. I had been that way for a few months when I had a routine checkup visit to my Doctor scheduled and it was one of THOSE days. We talked about it and gave it a name. Depression. Gave me a prescription, but those didn't really help so after a while I quit taking them. What finally did help was finding a job, something that kept me busy, was worthwhile and worthy of my time. Sounds to me, you've got that with your ranch and the kids. It was difficult breaking out of the cycle, but I made it. I think/pray you will also.

    Hang in there, my Friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much juvat. I certainly am depressed. Crushed. Smashed. As you point out, the best medicine is working toward and doing important and purpose-filled stuff. It's often bitter tasting medicine but it's vastly better to take it than not. And in truth I am so fortunate to have such medicine right in front of me. I know and know of so many who do not.

      Thanks again my Friend. I'm hanging in and we're hanging in.

      Delete