Monday, April 11, 2022

Sunrise and spring


Or, the rebirth of an old and busted dude...

Okay, I think I can do this now. Gonna try anyway. My muddled mind has forgotten a few things about navigating this space but I shall endeavour to persevere.

It's April 11, so here's the 411 on why I've been absent from this place for lo these many months. In a nutshell I seem to have been run over by a serious bout of depression. Having never had such a thing I'm not entirely sure about my self-diagnosis. The things I've experienced do seem to match up with the appropriate signs and symptoms, so that's good enough for me. It's been a very bleak time, particularly through the winter months.

Here's what I think happened. After Alexzandra died I was focused and busy. Most of what I had went into supporting family and supporting my physical health as I prepared for getting my back fixed. At or around the time I recovered from the latter, It seemed to me that we'd arrived at a tricky place regarding family support. It's a bit hard to explain, but I recognized that there was a danger of doing too much. People are individual human beings. Individual human beings need to work through many things as individuals. Love and support are always needed, yes, but it needs to be applied in a thoughtful fashion. It's not supposed to be easy, and it's not. Which is exactly the way it should be.

So In a sense I had arrived at a place where there was no need to remain laser focused on physical and external stuff. All that was left to work on was my own inside stuff, and I'd already handled that, hadn't I?

Yeah, not prizackly.

So it's been a hard slog, but I've been slogging. And now with the arrival of spring the slogging is paying off...

I hope this doesn't come across as whiny. I don't want to bum anyone out. I have had and continue to have the greatest life possible. It just so happens that part of my adventure in livin' included a very rough patch, a realization that I'm actually much more vulnerable than I like to believe. Ignoring that fact and hiding my head in the sand is the wrong path to take.

In a lovely twist of the stuff of livin' I clearly recall Alex gently and patiently explaining this to me. I wasn't the best student in those moments, but I did listen a little bit, and her words are ever with me.

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On Friday Alex's mom stopped by to see Tommy (or Tommie; it's both). Alex rescued Tommy from a desperate situation. At the time I didn't understand what she was doing. Tommy was in a cage with a half-dozen siblings and life was clearly going to suck for them. My thought was "you can't save them all." Her thought was simply this -- "I can save this one." Which she did, and what a blessing Tommy has been.

Anyway, Tommy instantly recognized Alex's mom and climbed into her lap. He was so happy to see her, and she him. We talked for an hour or so about a lot of little things, all the while wrapped in the spirit of unconditional love, a magical place brought into existence in part by the canine brand of unconditional love.

As she prepared to drive away Alex's mom noticed the contrails of a pair of jets flying very close together, something you rarely see overhead in this part of the world.

I thought it might be a tanking evolution but I couldn't tell for sure. I grabbed my camera and took a few snaps with the digital zoom turned way up.

Judging by what the blurry images revealed I suspect we were looking at a couple of USAF C-40B's doing some form work.

It was pretty cool.

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On Saturday the little kids came over to play with Tommy. Tommy has just turned two, and he's a big, strong dog filled with energy and exuberance. A year ago he was far too rough with the littles and they could only take playing with him in brief, small doses. This spring he's become more careful with them and they have lots of fun with only a few relatively gentle knockdowns.

Then we put together a picnic lunch and walked over to City Park, a major trek of three blocks. It was lovely warm outside with the air temperature about 75 degrees. It was overcast and there was a pesky northwest wind blowing in some springtime weather, but we still had a fun time. The nine year old girl who lives across the street showed up and the three kids did a lot of screaming and chasing and energy burning. We shared our picnic and had an awesome time.

As we headed home under the threat of pending rain I showed the kids the seeds inside one of the jillions of honey locust seed pods littering the ground. They were enthralled and decided to collect a bunch of seeds to plant. During the great pre-Easter seed hunt which ensued they collected hundreds of seeds, and dropped/lost many hundreds more. It took us an hour to make the three-block journey home, and the kids arrived with enough seeds to plant in cottage cheese containers. Which we proceeded to do. From a strictly grownup perspective it's a silly thing to do, planting what are essentially weeds. Thank goodness the kids continually beat the strictly grownup out of me. I like livin' in a world where magic is an important component.


As I delivered the kids home the five year old was still fresh and full of energy. The three year old, who will turn four in two weeks, was knackered. She sat on my lap and chewed on the remains of her picnic PBJ in a state of near unconsciousness. What magic! I am so very blessed, and that's a fact.

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And now it's time to clean this up and get it posted.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

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21 comments:

  1. Well, good to see you back. We were worried and help we would, if we could, but, as you say, some things must be worked through on your own. A little doggie love always helps and there is no judgment there so you can use it as much as you need. As always, keep on livin’ and resolve not to worry, particularly not about us.

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    1. Thanks Mark. Tommy is a heck of a service dog! I'll keep on doing the livin' thing and keep on being blessed even in the rough patches.

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    2. X2, glad you are better for certain values. Dogs and kids help.
      RAS

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  2. Hah!
    It's good to see you.
    There's nothing wrong with being human, is there?
    I totally relate to all you've put here.
    I had my turn similarly and am now living the best life I can.
    It sounds, to me, like you are, too.
    It's great to find ourselves coming through to the other side of a low time.

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    1. Thanks Skip, it's good to be seen! And I agree, it feels good to have pushed through the yuck and find myself in a lovely springtime. It hasn't been all yuck, of course, kids and family and dogs lift me up, as do kind readers!

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  3. Three years ago my youngest son, the Medic, died at age 41. I'm fortunate to have in our town a grief center. I'm tankful I went through their program. I hadn't realized I needed it. Point is, find something like that in your area is my advice.

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    1. Thanks Frank. I've actually found a lot of helpful stuff on the interwebs. That and family and being stubborn seem to keep me headed in the right direction, though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. All part of the livin' experience.

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  4. We missed you and I was worried about you. I'm going to impart some serious and well meant advice.
    There.
    I married at 42, had a delightful little one and was divorced at 46. It was a little depressing. I sought the very roots of being and found them, unsurprisingly, in my sock drawer. I figured it out.
    I exist to make other people happy. I'm OK with that and I'm mostly good with it too and it works out that I'm happy too.

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    1. Thanks. Lots of wisdom there and excellent advice. I'm finding that giving is one of the keys to this thing. When I get my happy fix from giving it's much better than the happy from receiving. I keep on learning and growing, which is good.

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  5. Nebraska winters can be tough at the best of times which obviously these have not been for you personally (or us nationally for that matter). Children need us and for us to give what is needed we DO need to take care of ourselves. Glad things are getting better.
    Be well
    Boat Guy

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    1. Thanks Boat Guy. No doubt the winters can suck. They also offer up a great deal of beauty. When I remember to look at the good as well as the bad it seems to even things out. I did too much concentrating on the bad this winter. Sigh. It's a process. Seems like I have to relearn fundamental lessons over and over and over. Which is fine. And rather amusing!

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  6. Dang good to hear from you again.
    I waved when I drove past on I-80 Sunday.

    You have a gift as a teacher who readily shares knowledge in a understandable and interesting way. So, no wonder the kids got all excited about seeds and weeds and stuff. Heck, I've learned a lot about calves, cows, chickens, weather, widgets, and the good and bad in people from your well written ramblings.
    Keep it up. Your unpaid subscribers are secret admirers, and all pulling for you.

    As I travel, sometimes to or thru big cities, the contrast between the dependent class of takers, and the hard working workers who feed, clothe and support the wants and needs is a stark contrast.

    Best to you, this kids, family members, and all the critters.
    John Blackshoe

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    1. Thanks John, and thanks for the wave!

      I'm very blessed to live in a place where I can spend so much time in nature's non-urban reality. Blessed also to be able to share some of it via nature's strange and wonderful urban developments.

      I feel bad for those who seem to be lost and struggling and mired in a generations-long rut. When I glimpse their misery it reminds me how very blessed I am.

      Best to you and yours as well!

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  7. My bouts with dementia, a hip gone bad and a upper lung (removed) has set me back at 76. I absolutely refuse to give up or slow down. I still go to my sons properties (2000ft elv.) in the hill country, 4 hous away. While there i try to help my son's in constructing an off grid, three tier compound. The grading (in rock) will acomodate a vehicle landing, and 2-20 ft shipping container site (used as shops). The last will be the site of a log cabin with great 360 degree views encompassing the Grand Canyon, Flag staff, Prescott vally as well as kingman. Oh to be young again.

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    1. Thanks so much for that Dave. It's not easy, but it's not supposed to be easy. Driving on is a choice; do it or do not. Driving on makes sense to me, and I suspect that if I ever choose the alternative that'll be the end of my run. In the meantime, the hard part of driving on unlocks priceless rewards which are otherwise unobtainable, and in a way uncomprehendable to the young. Just the way it works I think. Sounds like a great project you and your sons have going. Hang in there and enjoy!

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  8. Glad to hear from you again. It is very encouraging... Blessings to you and the littles in this season of rebirth.

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    1. Thanks rickr! Your blessings mean more than you know. The littles are flourishing and their brand of magic lifts me up.

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  9. Glad you're still among the living, I felt no disturbance in the Force so I figured you were just working through some things. I've been far too focused on my own stuff lately to look outside the cockpit, glad I did.

    Stay strong. Good to hear from you.

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    1. Thanks Chris. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to bunker down and stay out of the storm. But the safety of the walls is often an illusion, and while temporary bunkering is probably appropriate, too much bunkering is not. At least not for me.

      You stay strong too, and hearing from you is much more gooder than you know! Thanks for stopping by.

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  10. Looks like Spring sprung a May surprise 15" dump on your neck of the woods.
    Glad our trip back home was on I-70, not I-80 this time.
    We need the water, so much to be thankful for, even with some inconveniences.
    John Blackshoe.

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