Midnight in the garden of dust and discovery

##########

When my phone vibrated the ID was "Mom."

"Hello," I said.

The phone replied, "This is Deputy (insert alias) of the Sheriff's Department..."

Oh fuck, I thought in that instant. Perhaps you can imagine.

"Your Mom just handed me her phone..."

Thank God, I thought.

"There's a cow out in the stubble west of your pasture. She was up on the road when I got here..."

Thank you Father, I thought. I also thought "good man" regarding Deputy Alias. He passed on solid, useful information in language just right for the situation.

"Yes," I replied. Thoughts were spinning through my mind. I had good reason not to want to leave. Kids and family to consider. Other stuff to consider. Obligation and duty and honor.

"I was wondering if you could maybe come out and put her in."

"Yes," I replied.

"Okay, thanks," he said.

"Yes," I replied.

##########

The air was smokey, close, dense, warm. As I drove through town toward Highway 71 and thence the ranch I continued to be disturbed as I'd been all day. Irritated, grumpy, out of sorts. Pure, textbook selfishness. It had a strong hold.

I prayed as I drove and it helped as it always does. The selfish me put up a strong battle. What is it about selfish me that so relishes being angry and feeling awful? Don't know, probably never will. It's just part of the complex mishmash of stuff that makes up Shaun.

Hold on as it might, selfish Shaun was losing the fight. The warm, dense, smokey air wafted through the windows and the soothing and familiar feel of the night enveloped me in a close embrace.

"Ride with me Sweetheart. I need you."

She was there.

I felt bad and guilty. The day had been so very long and stressful and I'd hardly thought of her at all. Just the kids and family and navigating the treacherous rocks and shoals of the moment. Moment after moment after moment through an endless day.

"It wasn't a completely yucky day." That thought, certainly not from selfish Shaun and perhaps even externally generated, echoed around the empty cavern of my brain housing group. I smiled. Little ones. Big one coming home from school with a huge smile and news of a day he relished. Shared support, smiles and jokes and laughter, each of us fighting our own selfish demons, fighting through the hurt and anger and irritation.

Fuck no, not yucky. Hard, but not yucky. Hard, but beautiful.

I smiled.

##########

Out in the country the night was dark as the inside of a cow. Heh-heh. That comes not from me, but from naval aviation. Smile. Thanks to Deputy Alias I knew where to go and I easily found the cow. She was north of the county road in a stubble field. She was owly and agitated.

To get her back in I needed to pull staples from a post, push the four barbed wire strands down and nail them low on the post, thereby creating a place where she could step across.

I also needed to keep the situation as low-stress as possible for the cow. She was out looking for her baby, which having been weaned two days previously was not anywhere she could find. But she didn't know that. Then in the midst of her search she'd been bothered by Deputy Alias and his noisy, flashy, unfamiliar patrol pickup. So she'd run away into the stubble field. Her urge was to rejoin the herd, but she was on the wrong side of the fence. And that's why I lowered wires, so she could get back to where she wanted and needed to be.

Before I lowered the wires, in fact just as soon as I espied the cow and triangulated our location, my plan had been to drive her farther north to a place with a gate. Easier for me to open a gate than to fumble with staples and wires in the dark of night. But before I could initiate my brute force plan a calming and more sane thought came to me. The cow is already agitated. Slow down. Be calm. Think of the cow, whose wellbeing is your responsibility. Lower the wires. Do it right.

I doused headlights, got out, and began to pull staples by feel in the darkness of the night. The wires and staples were on the east side of the post, I was on the west. No problem, just a slight challenge. Just reach through the wires. Just do it right.

Staples out, I stepped the wire down and prepared to essay the tricky task of nailing them in place low down, nearly at ground level, where the cow could easily step across them. I would then gently coax her to the right location, using all my low-stress cattle handling skills. She would cross back into the pasture and we'd be done.

But as I stepped the wires down and prepared to nail them in place the cow approached, looked at me, snuffled me and snuffled the low wires, then stepped across into the pasture.

Two things occurred to me. Firstly, it was completely out of character for me to abandon my initial plan of driving the cow a few hundred yards and through a gate. Perfectly good and workable plan and in many ways easier for me. But I chose a different approach, one that placed a bit more emphasis on treating the cow as a living creature to be assisted rather than as a problem to be solved. I placed less emphasis on my own ease and comfort. That's just slightly (completely!) out of character for me.

The second thing was this. It felt very much like Allie was there to help both of us, cow and rancher. How had the cow gone from agitated to calm? I have been doing this stuff for decades and I've never seen such a thing happen. I felt pleased and surprised and happy and reassured, and I felt very strongly that Allie was helping me and helping the cow. Such an Allie thing to do.

Got no idea how this "contact with the departed" stuff works or could possibly work. I know intellectually that it could simply be my hurting brain and soul telling soothing stories. Doesn't feel like that though.

There's a difference between faith and knowledge. I have faith in God and I have faith that Allie walks with me.

##########

This morning.





##########

Lifeblood...



##########

Life, livin'...

I exercised. Shot some videos. They sucked. Good workout.

Now it's time to get back to stuff.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Today-ish. New title and edited.

Got interrupted and posted this before it was ready. I added the Grace is Gone video.

Here is a lament. Dave Matthews Band live. It's a brilliant performance.



For me it perfectly captures the sense of being utterly smashed and crushed. Smashed and crushed is a real thing. When it happens, it cannot be avoided, no matter how hard you try.

The lyric is haunting.

"Grace Is Gone"

Dave Matthews Band

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight

It's 2 am - I'm drunk again it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again so much as I love you

Where you end where I begin is like a river going through

Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more

If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink

Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart my Grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember then another to forget

How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again

One drink to remember and another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink

Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart my Grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine

I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please one more drink

Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart my Grace is gone

One more drink and I'll go

Excuse me please one more drink

Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart my Grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One more drink and I'll be gone

One more drink my Grace is gone

Smashed and crushed isn't the only thing though. It's not all you have, it's not all you get, or at least not the only thing you can get. Check back with the DMB songs in my previous posts. You can get "Oh," you can get "Everyday." You can get more than you can imagine, and so much more than you're afraid you'll have to settle for.

##########

Today I'm a bit grumpy and growly inside. I have irritation and temper grumbling around in me.

Today also there are some external pressures impacting us, and they are the kind of pressures which are out of our control.

The kids are cycling through sadness and anger and fun play and happiness and naps. It's exactly what they are supposed to be doing.

"Bye, I'm goin' to the store!"

Golden

We grownups are doing the same thing, and we also are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.

Several of you kind readers have rightly cautioned that the members of our family are not identical; that we each have strengths and weaknesses. I think what we're supposed to be doing is leaning on each others strengths and helping each other struggle with our weaknesses.

In my case for certain I must rely on God to do for me that which I cannot do for myself. I believe this is so for every other ape-lizard on the planet, but whether this is or is not so is far above my pay grade.

God is clearly showing me where and how I should be sharing my strength and love. Today it's a tough thing to do because I am beset with fear and anger and selfishness. It's tough, but it's not too tough. It sucks, but it does not suck too much. This is so because I am constantly asking God to show me his will for me and to give me the strength to carry it out. And God is doing this for me. He has not forsaken me.

In asking to be directed and strengthened, I am immediately removed from self and can bring all of my own strengths and abilities to bear on helping and loving. It's an enormous boon.

Some of this stuff is hard to write about and it would be so easy to just not do it. I have lots of perfectly good excuses, right? And they are perfectly good and acceptable. They were valid when my Dad died, right?

There's a difference today. I am not the Shaun of a year ago. God and Allie made it possible for me to grow into a different man. The wonder and joy of this new thing carries with it new responsibilities. Among those is the responsibility to try to share my experience, strength, and hope. In this way I just might be able to help those reading these words.

In a nutshell, I would suggest that what has worked for me -- what continues to work for me -- is to trust God, live, and love.

##########

And Kipling's "If" is never a bad thing to read and consider.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

##########



Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Golden moments

The littlest was inconsolable this morning. Her world is different and she doesn't want it to be different. It's hard for her to work through this stuff. But she's working through it. Temper tantrums and hitting and scratching and biting. But when the fear and rage have come out she turns instantly loving and clinging, then smiling and impish, then off to the races of being a two year old.

She sat quietly on my lap for an endless and instantaneous 15 minutes while we watched our songs. She loves "Everyday" and "Send Me On My Way" and this morning she loved and was fascinated by "Ants Marching" live. What a performance!

You'll probably see this one a lot here...



Love this one and so do the littles. "It's the song from 'Tilda!"



So amazing, so amazing. I'm intensely goofy and emotional but I think that's okay. It feels right.



These golden moments are the most precious things I have ever experienced. I am so, so, very, very, blessed. This home is so filled with love. It picks us up everyday. It's what we needed, what we wanted, what we have.

You kind readers are part of our family and we love you all.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Tears, talismans, trails

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You

##########

Tough night again last night and a tough beginning to the morning. I'm finding that sometimes I can divert myself from grief and sometimes I cannot.

While feeding the dogs at my other house this morning I found myself wailing and crying bitter tears.

This was rather a surprise, for I have never cried like that before.

It was cleansing and let the bad out. I felt better afterwards.

Probably the way it's supposed to work.

##########

I don't believe in talismans, I told myself. All I need or want from Allie already exists in my heart.

Yet I have an elastic "pony" on my wrist. I have a letter. I have other things too.

The stuff in my heart is more important. But the talismans are important too. They do indeed have magical power.

##########

At the ranch I paused to let a fence-crawlin' cow back in and reflect on the most natural cowgirl I ever met.



The windmill spinning against blue sky and sunshine was beautiful.



The windmill makes water. Beautiful.

##########

Wildflowers. They are part of the prairie ecosystem. An important part.

Allie understood, in a way many experts do not or cannot, that the prairie is a synergistic and homeostatic system. There must be a balance of grasses, sedges, forbs, shrubs. And fauna to balance the flora. The wildflowers are beautiful and she loved them all, even the weedy ones. She loved the grasses and the sedges and the shrubs. She loved the wild fauna and she loved the cattle. She loved the colorful lichens adorning former seabed rocks.

##########

This morning it had been far, far too long since my last workout. Back injections on August 4, recovery from that, then the horror. Too long. This morning it was time.

My path took me along a path taken not so long ago.

Then it was time to pound the legs, heart, lungs, and mind.

I'm afraid I got crazy. Hope you don't mind too much. It's kind of cringy on video but it felt right in the moment.



Crazier still. Firetrucking dove eggs. She directed my steps to that place though, so, I mean, how can I not post it up?



A while back she commented on a post here. "Nature sure is fuckin beautiful isn't it Shaun... Can't wait to see more of it with you."

We're seeing it, aren't we?

##########

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

What to my wondering eyes should appear, but an old fat sailor and a mini Mule Deer!



With corrals set I took a glance at the cows.



This evening it rained.

And a little one practiced to be an orthopaedic surgeon. She'll be a good one!

##########

I don't understand how this smart, witty, vivacious, courageous, powerful, strong, giving, caring, loving, extraordinarily beautiful woman fell in love with me. I was there when it happened, but I still don't get it. I'm so blessed.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Snakes, planes, and pickup trucks

Last night was a hard night. I know this stuff will come and go in waves. My job is to do what I can to keep on livin' life and take care of kids, friends, and family. I rely on God for the heavy lifting and He is making it possible for me to not only survive, but to thrive. What a blessing, what a blessing.

First thing yesterday morning, as I was watching a crop duster fly over, I nearly ran over a bull snake sunning on the driveway. So very glad I missed squashing it! Beautiful creature.



The profound numbness of the last week is beginning to lift. I think that numbness is a natural safety mechanism. I suspect I'll look back and marvel at the fact that I could function at all. Seen in that light, it's a little slice of wonder. There are so many hard things we ape-lizards can do when backed into a corner. Amazing.

This morning I wanted to take some ranch pictures and/or videos to share, but it completely slipped my mind. I did get a pic yesterday and one this morning that are worth sharing I think.

I hope I'm not bringing you kind readers down as I ventblog my way through this goofy and tangled path. A lot of it is sad and I know you super people are filled with empathy and love and concern for all of us. That's wonderful and I appreciate it more than I can say. It's one of the things that makes livin' so very, very grand. But the most important thing, I think, is that the sadness is only the tiniest part of this experience. There is so much joy and love wrapped up in this family that my heart and soul are exploding with the beauty of it all.

I am so very blessed. We are all so very blessed.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Livin' stuff (Edited!)

Had to edit this a bit. Somehow, some way, Allie made it clear that this thing was missing some Dave Matthews. That's my girl!



I feel compelled to post some of these images and videos. I hope you can keep in mind that this thing isn't only tragedy. There's that, and sorrow by the ocean-full, but there is also great love and joy and a shining beacon of hope. Allie is still with us in our hearts and she is and will continue to walk with all of us always. I have a feeling she is revelling in her new ability to be everywhere at once.

Family and children. 



Alone time around the corner. Close to everyone but out of sight and with time to play and process in her own in her own way. At two years old, none of this makes sense. Just like it makes no sense to the rest of us.



Nature's beauty the morning after.



Allie loved flowers and was especially taken by mid-summer sunflowers.

And of course, Pronghorn.



Just playing.



Camp chair, tent, dogs.



I cannot even begin to express how much your kind words, thoughts, and prayers mean to all of us. You lift us up with your love and caring. You all, each and every one of you, have and will continue to touch our hearts in a deeply profound way. God Bless You All and thank you so very much.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

The golden hours

So losing Al is incredibly hard, and that's obviously not a news flash.

You kind readers will note that I call Alexzandra by several different names. Al, Allie, and Alex among them. It's just the way it was; she had different names for for her many different states of being. I can't explain it better than that.

I'd like to write a bit about her, but it's going to be a process. Nothing about life really lends itself to chronological narrative, so I'm not gonna try.

Allie and I drifted into a predawn ritual where we would wake up a bit early and then lay in bed cuddling and talking. We called those moments stolen from the pending day our golden hours, and they were every bit of that. We often listened to the Dave Matthews Band and we loved to listen to and sing along with "Oh." Today that song has a different meaning, and neither of us ever saw or understood the real message of the song. What we heard is "you are here with me" and "makes it okay." We loved being here with each other, and that fact made everything okay. It was very sweet and wonderful.



I want to add this next thing too, and it dovetails with the song. Allie wrote me a letter on August third. There were some complex and worrisome and interesting things going on. At the moment they seemed very big indeed, but in reality they were nothing at all. I could spend a million years trying to explain the context, but you folks would never really get it all, so I'm not going to try. Don't be afraid to ask questions in comments; I'll try to explain as best I can. So here are images of the letter.

The memorial service was beautiful and brought me more peace than I could ever have hoped for. You can view the service here if you like.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Ah shit

I guess I like to be a straightforward kind of person.

Alexzandra Lee Trujillo died yesterday morning in a single car rollover south of Kimball.

She was my fiance, my betrothed.

Only a few short months ago I fell into her eyes and color came back into my world.

She's gone now, but the color remains. I have a feeling it'll stick around.

You all know the standard admonishments. You've all read my opinions about livin.'

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Just a couple of videos again...

I'd like to write more but it's a particularly busy and hard time.

Life can serve up tough stuff, and that's a fact. Tough is always an opportunity for significant growth. Tough should properly be embraced. But it's tough.

Anyway, physical labor, brought to me by cattle and Pronghorn. And my own shoddy construction!



Done! For certain values of done...



What? More fence?!?!

Of course!



Aaaand, all done! For, um, ahem. You get the picture...



Simple things...



Simple beauty...



Simple challenges, simple beauty...



Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

Beauty and wonder

I had targeted lumbar injections yesterday in an attempt to reduce and perhaps even tame the traumatic left-sided radiculopathy I've been living with for more than a year.

The injections went well. They were different than the previous injections I had. Perhaps an analogy? Let's just say the previous injections involved a big package delivered to a four-block quadrant. Yesterday's injections involved smaller packages delivered to specific homes.

The previous injections were quick in-and-out affairs. Yesterday involved a lot of needle repositioning and delivery of anesthetic/steroid to many different locations. Therefore there was a good bit more needle and injection trauma, and therefore a good bit more soreness once the anesthetic wore off.

So today I'm pretty sore in the back, which is fine. My body is taking care of healing the soreness by repairing tissue and absorbing edema.

The upside so far is that the frank pain and other neuropathic symptoms are greatly reduced today. Even the dropfoot -- essentially a loss of the ability to lift one's toes -- is almost completely gone. I'll have to work on regaining proper gait and posture now and strengthen the toe-lift muscles which have been warming the bench for far too long. But that's all a good thing, and I'm not afraid of work.

The most wonderful, delightful, and beautiful thing about yesterday's medical experience was the presence of my betrothed. I never knew how good hand-holding could be nor how much I needed it. Tough guy only takes you so far. It's good to be tough and be willing to do and endure hard stuff without complaint. Suck it up and drive on. But I'm finding that the story I'd always heard about is absolutely true. One plus one equals way, way more than two.

##########

On the way home from the surgery center I got a text. Cattle we had relocated to a small pasture had got a gate down (probably during a rainless thunderstorm Monday evening) and were grazing in adjacent pastures. This was less than ideal but still okay since they were still grazing on ranch property. But there were some open gates which needed closing and the cattle needed to be moved back to where we wanted them.

The trick would be doing this in a way that didn't cause problems with my recently injected lumbar area.

My betrothed and I headed out and assessed the situation. There were 20-plus cows and calves on the wrong side of a certain fence. They'd simply wandered through a nearby open gate and were causing nor problems and were not in peril. They needed to be returned to the correct side of the fence though, and their relocation would be easiest through the gate they had wandered through.

But the rest of the heard was nearby, on the opposite but correct side of the fence, and it could be tricky moving the cows that needed moving away from the herd and back through the gate. Sometimes you get lucky and the cattle are willing to move. Yesterday we didn't get lucky. So after a quick trip to town to get my work pickup (we we're still in the Toyota mini-van) we returned to move the cattle.

Blue oval and arrow -- where cows needed to be moved from. Black ovals and brown arrows -- main herd and PIM. Red lines -- fence. Yellow line -- open gate. Light green circle, Toyota mini-van and cowgirl.

The plan was for me to move the cow herd past the gate with my work truck while cowgirl blocked the lane in the mini-van so that cows couldn't escape to the road. It's a simple task but one which requires the blocker to watch the cattle with a sense of understanding what they might be trying to do. You can't let them past you, but you have to give them room to move around and assess their options and then go where they need to go. You can't force them without causing lots of problems, so you have to honor their pace and their comfort zone and figure out how to work with them rather than try to force them to do your will. This requires an open mind, a willingness to observe and work out what the cattle are doing, patience, attention to detail, etc. I know a lot of guys who think themselves mighty fine cattlemen who have never come close to understanding the fundamental concepts.

Did I mention that this was the first time ever that cowgirl had worked with and assisted moving cattle? And that her brief from me was basically, "Keep 'em from going up the lane, we want them all together in the pasture, good luck"?

Let's just cut to the chase. Cowgirl figured out exactly what to do and how to do it, completely on her own. It was a beautiful thing to see. She handled that task like a cowgirl who'd been doing it every day for her entire life. Amazing, beautiful, wonderful.

Of course I'm biased and smitten and in love, but lemme just tell ya, she's already better at working with cattle than I am. A bit of experience over time and she'll leave me in the dust as a rancher. Beautiful.

Once the cattle were reconfined properly we drove around to check/set the rest of the gates and to make sure the cattle found water. We paused by the filling stock tank to watch and enjoy.







Then the mini cowgirl and mini cowboy wanted to pet a dog and chase chickens.



The rest of the day was the rest of the day, and every bit as beautiful and wonderful as all that had gone before. Challenges are part of livin'.

Many people choose to exist as professional victims. I don't know why. Their souls appear to be corroded with resentment and fear and astonishing psychosis. But it's also a choice; a destination consciously arrived at via a pathway of consciously made decisions.

For those who choose to live, life is grand.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.

This is a terrible thing to do...

But I'm stuck short on time and I want to post this stuff up. So here are just a few vids.

Juvenile sharp tailed grouse.



The sound of silence. Or is that the sound of grazing? The world is a beautiful place.



Morning ranch view.



What a calf believes she sees no wise man has the power to reason away...



I have to drag a previous video up to pre-'splain this one...



And now for the good stuff. As I was checking fence on the west quarter I startled a juvenile Swainson's (I believe) hawk into flight. But he/she isn't a very good flyer yet. Much wonder and beauty ensued...









Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.