Thursday, August 20, 2020

Golden moments

The littlest was inconsolable this morning. Her world is different and she doesn't want it to be different. It's hard for her to work through this stuff. But she's working through it. Temper tantrums and hitting and scratching and biting. But when the fear and rage have come out she turns instantly loving and clinging, then smiling and impish, then off to the races of being a two year old.

She sat quietly on my lap for an endless and instantaneous 15 minutes while we watched our songs. She loves "Everyday" and "Send Me On My Way" and this morning she loved and was fascinated by "Ants Marching" live. What a performance!

You'll probably see this one a lot here...

Love this one and so do the littles. "It's the song from 'Tilda!"

So amazing, so amazing. I'm intensely goofy and emotional but I think that's okay. It feels right.

These golden moments are the most precious things I have ever experienced. I am so, so, very, very, blessed. This home is so filled with love. It picks us up everyday. It's what we needed, what we wanted, what we have.

You kind readers are part of our family and we love you all.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.


  1. Having had a like experience, there's an urge to comment.
    Experience tells me you already know most of what I could tell you.
    God bless!

    1. Thank you so very much Skip. We are livin' and that's a fact. Feels like I've been training my whole life to do this thing right.

  2. Children need to feel loved, wanted, and safe. Losing their mother will always be a hurtful place. Having people they can count on eases the hurt. Part of that love and caring includes appropriate discipline. If you will excuse my example, it is akin to training a dog.

    1. Good analogy WSF. We're working toward a happy mix of fun and emotions and discipline. Two year olds are tough regardless!

  3. The important thing is she has YOU, Shaun.

    And you're there for her. That speaks volumes.......

    1. She and her two brothers are alone atop the stack of Shaun's Stuff. They have me for as long as I'm on this plane. Almost certainly the next plane too.

      Thanks so much drjim.

  4. ah, I thought you had lost all. You ease my heart.


    1. The physical separation from Allie sucks. We no longer share corporeal existence in this place and time. I have never been smashed like this before, and I've been smashed a lot.

      But that physical separation and the pain of it is a very, very small slice of the totality of the sum of God plus Allie plus kids plus family plus Shaun.

      Up until the moment I fell into Allie's eyes I had a great life, a brilliant life. When we fell into each other's eyes everything got immeasurably better. I've often said that color came back in my world in that moment, and it did. But it was more than that, it was more akin to a blind man seeing color for the first time. But it was much more than that also, because it was gaining all five senses for the first time, knowing how to give real and honest love for the first time, and also, more importantly, touching the face of God for the first time. It was the moment where I first found myself in the right and proper place to exist, not at the center of my own tiny koi pond, but as a co-equal ape-lizard thrashing about in a wondrous sea of life.

      None of that is lost. Everything is gained. The physical separation sucks, and it's hard, but it's supposed to suck and be hard. And it's the tiniest and least important thing. There is so much more to livin' than the selfish things I want for myself.

      Today I am livin' in a new dimension, on a higher plane. Allie made that happen. Allie is physically gone, but she is here with me in an even more beautiful and fulfilling way.

      I am not wounded. I am not victimized. I have been awarded a life of heaven on earth, despite the fact that I am utterly undeserving. This is the gift that Allie and the kids and God have given me.

      No, I have not lost all. I have gained everything.

      Thanks so very much for your kind and caring thoughts Curtis. This gift you give me and my family is a huge part of the life we have been given. It is a precious gift and it will live with all of us always.

  5. You are indeed blessed. So are those kids. It seems to me that Allie's purpose has been fulfilled, to bring you and the kids together. It would have been great to have had it all for a lot longer, but you have found the silver lining and you're doing it the right way.

    Puts me in mind of a song by my favorite band, "Come Alive" by the Foo Fighters, particularly this bit:

    Desperate, meaningless
    All filled up with emptiness
    Felt like everything was said and done

    I lay there in the dark and I close my eyes
    You saved me the day you came alive

    May the light continue to shine on you Shaun.

    1. Yeah, Foo Fighters!

      I think I've been training for this my whole life.

      That Jordan Peterson fellow said something like being able to function usefully in tough times is a good way to be. Makes sense to me.

      Thanks Sarge!