Saturday, September 19, 2020

A mystery wrapped in an enigma

And shoved up the ass of a puzzle.

On Wednesday I rested more than I've been accustomed to. I also pigged out on pizza, and that nearly foundered me. My body has grown unaccustomed to the carb/grease overload. I was quite uncomfortable for several hours, and then several more hours on top of that.

Sure tasted good though.

Thursday was busy on top of busy.

On Friday I got out for a bloody good gallop and was surprised at how much energy and stamina I had as well as how much more manageable the radiculopathy pain was.

Perhaps the biggest part of the surprise was that I started my workout early and had a really bad attitude going. Feeling sorry for myself mostly, but there are also some irons in the fire bothering the shit out of me and for which I have no good solution except to keep on keepin' on. Bureaucratic slash legal stuff. No matter how much money, time, and effort I throw at these things, the story slash rules slash laws are always changing to accommodate the lawyers and the bureaucrats. They do not change to accomodate me.

So I had a bad attitude and a case of sailor mouth going on.

Also, a maelstrom.

Between Vader Hill and the four mile mark I got my mouth under control (for certain values of control), began to appreciate the beauty of the day, and began to feel a good bit of surprise at my freshness and pain level.

I ended up doing five-and-a-half and felt like I could have done eleven.

So the obvious question having to do with the mystery wrapped in an enigma and shoved up the ass of a puzzle is this -- rest and diet?

I feel like those things are part of the answer. Too much over-physical/mental/emotional-work and not enough carbs and grease? Could be. I believe I need to do some rigorous 'sperimentin. That is, try to accurately measure diet and output rather than what i've been doing, which has been basically, "yeah, that's gotta be about right."

You can always tell a knuckleheaded knowitall corpsman. You just can't tell him much.


For those of you keeping score at home, Sarge gave me some tips on video embed technique here in the new blooger realm. Well, he more properly gave me some HTML code. Now I don't habla HTML and I'm probably doing this wrong, but here's what I did. I took his code, narrowed the width from 1100 to 1000 to better fit my layout, and changed the u2b video ID number (if that's what you call the thing). Then I switched from "compose view" to "HTML view" in the new post editor, found the right place, and pasted the code in. So far on preview it looks okay. But it seems like a lot of work. Why the firetruck can't I just pop the firetrucking u2b embed code in where I want it? WTF,O? On the other hand it looks like the extra steps will allow me to present videos of a size that looks better to my eye than the way I was doing it previously. Also, I'm probably doing it all wrong anyway. Another upside is the whole "challenge" versus "persecution" mindset. I always feel better when I'm taking on a challenge than I do when I'm being a firetrucking professional victim. And I might even learn something to boot!


Sometimes my bloody mind just spins out of control and I enter a maelstrom of crazy. It's an odd and unsettling feeling. I have such a big stack of "must get done" sammiches on my plate and because the world isn't designed to serve me and me alone I can't just tuck in and "eat 'em all gone."

Is that goofily mixed metaphorology or what?

This morning I have a touch (big touch!) of murderous rage against the whole shit-gargle empire, especially blooger and u2b. Terrible thing to have in my heart. I think they are behaving like real shitheads but the rage and anger in me is all on me and I must turn to the Big Guy to be rid of it. I can't survive with that kind of acid coursing through my veins.

I wrote this section before writing the above sections.


I've described here before the fact that Allie is the only woman I've ever actually loved, that she was and is the only woman I've ever given unconditional love to. It was such a huge and improbable thing that I've described it as bringing color to my world. It's much more than that of course, and I think I've also said here that there simply aren't words to describe what happened. I'm still -- and I suspect I always will be -- completely at a loss as to how such a thing could have happened. How in the universe could such a beautiful human being with such a beautiful soul have ever possibly allowed me to give all of me to all of her? Boggles the mind. As Woodrow Call put it in Lonesome Dove, "That don't make no sense a-tall!"

I say that to then say this. I have no way to express in words how much I love her kids. Such love was not even the stuff of fiction in my world before I met Alexzandra Lee Trujillo.

One of the very great blessings of my life, as odd as it seems to say and write it, is that the kids and I are working through our grief together. It feels like the most important thing I've ever done, like the most important thing I ever will do. Indeed, it could very well be the reason I exist at all, the reason I was given life to begin with.

Yesterday morning was brilliantly beautiful. The weather, smoke and all, was sunny and calm and warm and perfect for playing outside and eating popsicles.

And blowing bubbles and other stuff.

After lunchies (leftovers -- hamburger patty, mashed tatoes, fruit cocktail, skettioes, chocat milk) it was naptime.

I've mentioned naptime before. I wish there was a way I could come close to describing what it feels like to be me when these two little ones snuggle up with me and fall fast asleep.

I got a hint on an early summer morn. We'd just moved into the new house and the little ones woke up for the first time in their new room. They were scared and the proper cure was to snatch them up and bring them to bed with us.

When I lay down with them at naptime, Z-Man likes to snuggle but can take it or leave it. Sissy wants to hold on to my arm.

Wish there was a way to get better images/videos. There's not though. Ah well.

Today was a bit rough on the littles. The youngest in particular was cycling through a lot of emotion. It's very hard to describe in words what it looks and sounds and feels like as we navigate our rough patches together. Maybe someday I'll be able to properly essay and complete the task. Today all I got is this -- I have no way to express in words how much I love her kids.

I'll never understand how any of this can possibly be, but that doesn't really matter.

Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.


  1. Nothing wise or profound to offer but, hey, your cows are looking good. Angus?

    1. Nah, just crossbred black cattle for the most part. Despite the dry year they've had good chow and both cows and calves have done well..

  2. Like WSF I've nothing profound, it just is what it is.

  3. In the one video you're walking through the cows, they seem to look at you like you are rather odd to them.

    Can cows sense emotion like cats and dogs can? An interesting question, to me at any rate. As you're the closest person I have to being a cow expert, I pose the question. (Yes, that was an oddly constructed sentence.)

    Anyhoo, you're moving forward, one step at a time, it's all any man can do.

  4. Yep, they sure can and do. Maybe more like prey animals than like cats and dogs, but they respond well to calm ape-lizards and poorly to agitated ape-lizards. I was also moving toward them a bit faster than they are used to. As prey animals I imagine that caused a bit of stress.

    Moving forward. Some days are grumpier than others.

    Thanks Sarge!

  5. You are shaping up into a Very Good Dad! Well Done, That Man!