This post is a rather disjointed mishmash of yesterday and today. Please forgive me. Mishmash has become my new callsign!
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From a farmer friend in England via the wonders of modern communication technology: "Well what are your thoughts on the big debate/shit slinging with trump and Biden couldn't believe how both of them acted"
I had a good rant in this space, but decided to show you a video slice of apple harvest in England.
If you pay close attention, the 89 year old farmer named Les is saying, regarding the fellow at the bottom of the apple pit, "...he's pulling sticks or something."
I'm glad I took the rant out.
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This part I'm writing toward the end of the post writing process, even though it appears near the beginning. It's nearly 4 p.m. here and it's been a productive day. It's been a much better day than yesterday. I just finished a very good workout. I ran smokebong hill 15 times which means three miles running up and three miles walking down. Yesterday's physical pain has moderated, although it's certainly still there and there in a very uncomfortable fashion.
I wonder now, as I write this following the workout and still wrapped in endorphin delight, did I let my emotional pain drive the physical pain bus yesterday? How much of the misery of my physical pain dictated by my willingness to wallow in self pity? I think a lot of it is. Oh, the physical pain is real as real can get, but the concomitant suffering seems to be variable and much of it is within my ability to meter.
Which seems to mean...something.
I must think on this.
But not too much.
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Yesterday was an awful day. It followed on the heels of an okay day. I've no idea how or why the waves of grief behave as they do. I only know they do, and the only thing I can do is endure and pray. I'm making it, but sometimes the road is hard beyond belief.
Wallowing in self pity is a bad thing for me. Self pity is a siren song. In the realm of self pity there is only me and my pain. The world I inhabit is filled with beauty and beautiful people who I love and cherish beyond words. Self pity blocks beauty and blocks people.
God lifts me out of self pity when I honestly beseech Him to do so.
It's hard, but not too hard.
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Morning beauty and flailing yesterday...
Frisky cattle on a beautiful autumn morning...
And, thistle spraying!
I got a good bit of thistle sprayed. Today there will be (there was!) more thistle spraying.
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Having soldiered through yesterday's waveform misery, I had a good night and I feel hopeful this morning. Big assist from reality. Autumn sun is awesome!
Cattle...
Dying thistle...
Hairpane!
Watch it move!...
Nature's beauty...
Tools of the trade...
Ants not marching...
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From the batshit crazy file. Waaay back in the spring she opened my bedroom window at zero-predawn-thirty to say good morning. What do you do with a handprint on glass?
Yeah, hurting. But it's okay hurting. It's a hard thing to describe, the transformation happening in me. Allie changed me enormously for the better by allowing me to give her my unconditional love, and by walking with me on the path we walked, even though it was hard going walking with a knucklehead. That change for the better is a permanent change. When she died I had to change again, because reality is reality. There are many paths to take in such a transition, and many of them are poor choices indeed. Fortunately for me, I have one hell of a team of navigators. Including God and Allie.
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Be well and embrace the blessings of liberty.
In past comments I've mentioned grief counseling if available in your area (Scottsbluff, Cheyenne?). It helped me, more than I expected.
ReplyDeleteA component of grief rarely addressed, is anger. My son's death, while an accident, need not have happened (self medication for Chronic Reflex Pain Syndrome). I took some digging to come to the realization I was very angry with him, even though he was gone. Once that was addressed, things got easier mentally.
I've said before, each person's grief is as individual as a fingerprint. Why would we expect a universal cure?
I am doing grief counseling via vet center and a psychologist willing to talk and text outside appointment schedules.
DeleteThe anger thing is real. It's a tricky thing to navigate but seeing it is a big part of the battle. It's odd in a way because unconditional love means understanding and you can't stay in both anger and understanding. The anger tends to reflect and become anger at myself and self pity. Slogging through this stuff is hard but must be done.
As best I can tell there's no cure at al, let alone a universal cure. Makes sense when I think about it. Love isn't a disease, and Alexzandra is not a pathogen. The injury of loss is a transformative thing, and with God and love and family the transformation is a hard but ultimately, I think, a beautiful thing.
Thanks Frank.
A lot of your photos have real artistic qualities. Reminds mr of the ones Brigid posts over on Mausers & Muffins.
ReplyDeleteSeems like your back pain is in the tolerable range these days. Did the second round of shots work pretty well and will that be a longer lasting fix, or just something that needs a periodic booster?
Enjoy this wonderful weather- winter will be here before we know it. A couple of years ago we drove across I-80 in early March and between Laramie, WY and Kearney, NE it was freaking COLD!!! I think the HIGH temp for that day was like -5 degrees.
You know, from how we see you coping with reality and unpleasantness in the last year, I bet Allie would be damn proud of all you've done, and where you are headed. Making the most of every day, or at least trying to, not stuck in a pity party or drowning your sorrows. YOU are being well and enjoying the blessings of liberty, while coping with bad stuff, even when it is not easy.
Best to you and all concerned.
John Blackshoe
Nature paints beautiful pictures. The images I capture are tiny glimpses of her beauty. I so wish I could share the direct experience of being there. If I was a better and more dedicated wordsmith I could probably share more of the experience.
DeleteAs for the back, it's quite interesting. I believe my body is doing a good job of compensating and adapting and I think that's a hopeful sign. I'm going for more targeted injections on Tuesday, and I suspect I'll get some good immediate relief. Whether that will lead to longer standing improvement or not we'll just have to see. Given my understanding and experience I suspect I'm not going to get a non-surgical cure. It looks like I'll be able to get a neurosurgery evaluation following these latest injections. We'll see what the experts say. I believe that if a surgical fix is possible time is rather of the essence as my telomeres aren't getting any longer. But I need to be very objective about surgical intervention and not allow false hope to lead me to a cure worse than the disease.
Yep, it gets cold here when they open the gate and let Canadian air flow! It's a good contrast to summer heat, and the extremes we experience provide an opportunity to cherish the beautiful days.
I hope she's okay with me and my path. I sense her presence so very strongly at times and it feels like she's helping to guide me. She and God allow me to do stuff that amazes me. Allie especially seems to be letting me know when I'm being a knucklehead, and that's a very helpful thing. The reality is that while I choose to walk the proper path, that choice and the power to walk the path are externally driven. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, and Alexzandra's love gives me powerful hope.
It's sometimes not easy to be well and embrace the blessings of liberty, but it's doable, and the reward is orders of magnitude larger than the effort expended to get there. I am enormously blessed.
Thanks John.
Shaun, all you can do some days is put one foot in front of the other, and plod on. When I first started AA, one of the mantras was "Just Suit Up, and Show Up". You're doing that, and it works.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Shaun.
The beauty of the thing -- and there is beauty -- is there is a solution. When I trust and rely upon God I can then move forward in life, one day at a time, doing the work required to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. That path is hard but beautiful and fulfilling. It is more than enough, more than I could ever imagine I "deserve." Suit up and show up is simple willingness and a bit of effort. The payout is huge -- walking in sunlight.
DeleteThanks drjim.
6001 seems to be working on her winter pelt.
ReplyDeleteYes she is, Scott. They all are. It's fascinating how they shed off to very little undercoat and no overcoat in summer and then put it all back on in a very short time.
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